Some people could use some self awareness. Some of us could use a little less of it.
I know it’s been a while, but I’m back now, sorry it took so long.
I’ve always been self aware. Knowing exactly why I was doing something, the exact time I did it, and the specific purpose for it. To that end, when I’m aware of my actions, self-awareness is a good, even great. It helps with respinsibility, leadership, communication. The level of intentionality it brings is a welcome one in a wolrd full of people just going through the motions, or actng on impulse. I’m a lot calmer because of it, I’m not rash, for any decision that I’ve made, I’ve probably run through the every possible scenario in my head. Sometimes it’s good. I can identify patterns around me, gauge emotions and reactions. It’s good when I use it to become a better version of myself. But there lies the problem, what does that mean, “becoming a better version of myself.” It’s human nature to want to be better, but for me, what exactly constitutes “better” is something I’ve struggled with for a long time.
Sure, self-awareness is a good thing, dare I say even necessary as you grow up. I think it’s easier to see the dark side of hyper self-awareness when I explain how what becoming better means for me.
Does the journey to improvement have to start with definitive inadequacy?
I mean, shouldn’t it? The whole reason we improve is to weed out the bad parts of ourselves, tackle our weaknesses, max out all our stats. If we’re comfortable with who we are, then what incentive do we have to be better? That’s just how my brain is hardwired. A couple summers ago., I was introduced to the concept of self-improvement by making your good qualities great. For me, not quite. Being better means focusing on the worst parts of ourselves and obsessing over improving them. Being methodical, dissecting every action, the reasons, the components, the implications.
Hyper self awareness becomes an obsession with the worst parts of yourself when being better = being less worse, not being much better. Maybe it’s the background in sports, where the rigour of the game requires you to fix your weak foot, your heading, your poor drive phase, your speed endurance. Maybe it’s school, where having a weakness means a lower GPA or sliding down the rankings. Whatever it is, that’s how I’ve always been, I don’t know why, but if it seems to work, then why change it.
When you go too far into your own head, self-awareness can slip into self-loathing before you even realize. Knowing why you do something becomes much more complicated. Is it because it’s what you want to do? Is it because you feel like you should do it? Is it because that’s what you feel lies in between the person you are and the person you want to be? If I buy these clothes, walk a certain way, fix my accent, listen to this type of music, will I finally become the ideal, aesthetic version of myself. The one on the Pinterest board, the vision board. The “perfect” one. What happens when the implications become a little harder to visualize. When life gets too complicated for one outcome to be guaranteed. The constant thinking inevitably leads to scrutiny, overanalyzing every detail. Speculating on what exactly will happen. It’s a slippery slope, because examining the implications of our actions, as people who interact with others, becomes a process of thought where we extend our minds beyond ourselves, becoming the person who reacts, an outsider. No longer are we primarily concerned with what our actions mean for us. Or maybe we still are, but more concerned about what our actions mean for how we are perceived. We stretch our minds to become the person who may laugh at the joke we tell, or sit stone faced. We become the acquaintance who, with just a little push, may become a friend, or who backs up, closes off, and a wave shrinks to a head nod, and then to nothing at all. We become the job, or the internship, that accepts us, or an all too familiar “We regret to inform you…” When you get too fa into your own head, you stumble upon a winding road that takes you to someone else. More accurately, though, the winding road takes us to an illusion. Imagine walking in the desert that is your own mind. When you walk for too long without taking a break, getting a sip of water, you start to hallucinate. See things that aren’t there, come up with conclusions entirely separate from reality. It’s not real.
It’s easy to step back and say that we’ll never know what someone else is thinking. That may be true, but we’re all guilty of trying, aren’t we? It’s natural, maybe even normal. It’s a good thing to care about how our existence affects others. That just means you have empathy, a concept of existing not only for yourself, but also for others.
When we go too far into our own head, we begin to put an unnecessary pressure on ourselves, trying to become the person that gets the best reaction out of those around us. Pulled in so many different directions, trying to decide which aspect of ourselves needs removal, suppression, erasure in order to satisfy whatever social desires we may have. Even now, as I write this, I’m torn about publishing it, concerning myself with how what I write reflects me, and what that might mean for how I’m perceived. But I think it’s even more important to try to fight this force, this nagging voice in the back of your head lying to you about what you are, and what you will become. When we listen to all the noise, a clear voice is nowjere to be found. When we try to go in every direction, we end up staying in the same place.
For me, when it’s time to apply for something, usually the second, or even first thought I have is, I’m not the right candidate, there’s someone better. When it’s time to answer a question, what if I’m wrong? When its time to enjoy myself, what if I look uncoordinated, or dumb, or any other adjective that separates my reality from the ideal version of me. That’s the problem, though, and I think that’s probably my greatest battle. I’ve learned a lot about myself during my first semester at college, and one of those lessons is that I have a terrible habit of talking myself down. Underestimating myself, telling myself that I’m not enough, or close, but not quite there yet. I try to be humble, but humility, when mixed with an obsession over every detail of every action I take, becomes an ecuse to count myself out. I wrote in my journal a couple months ago, the only thing standing between me and my fullest potential is my own perception of myself. If I really went for what I wanted, unconcerned, or at least giving very little importance to what anyone else may think, who knows where I could be. If I had just started that sports channel. If I had just gone to that party. if I had just reached out earlier to that person.
There it is again, though, the fixation on the negative. That's why I’m trying to make a change, and hopefully help someone who may be feeling the same way in the process.
I don’t really do New Years Resolutions, but I do make promises to myself that I sometimes struggle to keep. Maybe putting it here will help me stay consistent. My biggest promise is that I stop focusing on what I see as ‘bad’ about myself. Sure, it’s great to be good, but if the only reason you think a part of you is bad is that someone says it is, or you think someone else believes it is, how bad can it be? This isn’t a promise to stop becoming better. I still want to be the best version of myself, but on my own terms. The only way I can become the best version of myself, is blocking out the noise trusting myself to decide for myself. No longer will it be that I let what I believe other people think stall me. Hopefully you can do the same. Why let your mind run wild when you could take a deep breath, let go of what you can’t control, and try to control what you can.